Dare2Diva is Grateful

Blimey, I am completely exhausted. Therapy session this morning and I had to have a nana nap. Usually nana naps last 2-3 hrs. Mine lasted 5 and I am looking forward to going back to bed. I worked out today that I am angry that I have never been able to determine who I am and now, I just seem to be this label of Bipolar. I don't know what else or who else I am and at 40, that pisses me off. I can't cry yet I need to. I can't scream but I need to and I can't feel but I need to. Now, I am angry at people that are happy or have good things happen if they have treated me badly in the past. The past is the past and that shouldn't be an issue now but they don't deserve good thing, they don't deserve happiness because the misery they caused me has just escalated and hasn't left. These people have left a brick on that wall and I can't knock them down. That pisses me off. I have to mention that being grateful is really difficult at the moment because gratitude

Another glorious day in Sydney. I filled my car with gas, grabbed a vanilla malt milk and drove to work with the music going again. This weather reminds me of the easter I spent at the ex mother in laws property in the country. I am an early bird and the lazy arse family slept all morning but that gave me the opportunity to grab a cup of tea and a book and sit outside enjoying the sunshine with he cool breeze and dewy air. Just glorious. That was one of very few good memories I have of those 7yrs mind you. I spoke to another dental surgery who are fabulous. They say I can keep my nails and will look after me. I have also changed my health insurance company which means I will be covered for a psych admission should I need it, which looks quite possible, but I have to wait 8 weeks. Not too long and I can look at it as a bit of a holiday in a resort but with meds and group therapy instead of cocktails and shopping. It was nice to leave work early and see my sister and all 3 kids. I checke

It is getting harder and harder to keep myself together. I was close to punching the girl I sit next to today. Not only doesn't she sound like a cow that it trying to pull its hoof out of the mud when she eats and for the next 2 hrs (she eats breakfast and lunch and afternoon tea at work so basically this is all day) she keeps telling my I don't know anything, I am incompetent and that I have a poor work ethic. I have to admit that she doesn't just aim this disrespect at me. She aims it at my boss and the other girl in my team. I did get a lot of things done today which was fantastic which means I am able to have a half day tomorrow. I am getting sick of hanging on. My grip is slipping and the struggle is getting harder and harder. I am just so tempted to let go. It would be so much easier and everyone else would just have to cope. I have to put myself first. Now to make the decision in a rational manner and not just make the decision based on the emotion of the moment. U

Well, I'm not feeling any more sunny today but at least the weather is. I feel like I am walking in the middle of a busy freeway with cars and trucks coming at me and I just can't make sense of anything. I have that silent scream inside that I know is there. I can feel it, I can hear it, it consumes me and yet, I can't get anything out. The only time I have been able to get emotional recently accept today when I found grey hair. I cried. I haven't cried at the tragedy in my own country, I haven't cried at the tragedy in New Zealand or Japan or even about the death of Kinut the polar bear in Germany. I cried because I found grey hair. I can't believe it. How pathetic is that? I have completely had an emotional bypass and it is been put back incorrectly. Universe 1) I am grateful for the coffee I bought for my morning commute. It tasted really amazing and it was very much needed. I am still feeling really flat. 2) I am grateful that my drive to work wasn't

I just don't know what to write today. I feel blank and yet I feel overwhelmed, I feel empty and yet I feel completely filled with anger and hurt and sadness and it has to end soon. There are so many opportunities out there is the business world but I can't grab any because I can't ruin my safety net of the public sector. There are so many friends that I want to reconnect with and yet I can't ruin my safety net of loneliness. There is so much life out there for me to grab yet I can't escape my safety net of solitude. There is a love out there for me yet I can't break free from my safety net of an empty heart. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up and went to work again. I really love going to work because I can make small achievements with little effort and it is good enough 2) I am grateful I have a wardrobe full of clothes that I can wear to work that all look good. I just reach in and what ever I pick out I wear. No thought required. I don't think I cou

So I opened my eyes, put my feet on the floor got ready and drove to work. What more do you want from me? My first born? Blood? Bloody hell. It is nice to get hugs to welcome me back and it is nice to be around friendly faces but my brain hurt about 5mins into the day. I had such a black day inside. I am realising more and more that I am really not coping with all of this. I honestly believe I am about to break. I sacked my shrink today and I will be going to see my GP with my plan. If it doesn't work, I don't have a back up plan so hell knows. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up early. Well, lets say I am grateful that after a really crap sleep, I was able to put my feet on the floor and get to work. 2) I am grateful that my projects didn't die without me. That means that I have put in great foundations so I can take time off. 3) I am grateful for my lunch break today. I enjoyed the peaceful walk (I am grateful it didn't rain) and I enjoyed reading my book while I

I had major issues sleeping last night because although my body and my conscious part of my brain is exhausted beyond belief, my subconscious brain is running at 100 miles per hour. It is driving me mad. It is like that part of my brain is manic but the rest of me is depressed or showing physical signed of depression. I need to get this sorted out but I just don't know how. Anyway, to stop myself from sleeping the day away and then having issues sleeping tonight, I went and spent part of the afternoon at a vietnamese karaoke bar, I mean the nail salon. The holy karaoke trinity was playing, Celine, Whitney and either Westlife, Boyzone or another boy band, and the gals along with 2 filipino women were singing their lungs out. It was like being in hell but with pretty nails and feet. Universe 1) I am grateful I have the sense, will, strength or what ever it is to put my feet on the ground and get out of bed in the morning. 2) I am grateful for my morning coffee. I used a coffee ba