Dare2Diva is Grateful

I had a really good sleep last night which was great. I had an appointment with my psychologist and I always feel great after a meeting with her. I guess great isn't the right word, but it is a real relief to be able to dump a small bit of what is going on in my head and not be looked at like I am a freak. I am more than capable of classing myself as a freak as it is. I have realised that I am not only mourning the fact that I won't have children but I am mourning the fact that I strongly believe I have never felt true love ('it' never loved me. He loved the idea that my family might have money and as soon as that money was lost he started cheating) and I don't think I ever will. There is a big difference between the love of family and friends and the love of a true soul mate. I am mourning a lot recently and yet I don't feel sad. I think have lost the ability to feel emotion altogether. Oh well. C'est la vie. Universe 1) I am grateful for a few laughs l

I really am good at my job. It took me less than 2.5hrs to catch up on 2 days work. Brilliant. I went home half day today because I was feeling so crap. Exhausted, empty, slow, sore etc. I am not sure why but I have been really thinking about kids and mourning the fact that I don't and will never have one of my own. I was quite at peace with the no kids thing but since mum passed it has been in the back of my mind and the past few months it has been at the front. I guess it is the idea of not only loving a child with a love that you can't have unless it is your own and also being able to share a life with a child and being able to share so much knowledge and joy. Oh well, I will keep dreaming and grieving. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up before my alarm and my tooth was not so painful 2) I am grateful I didn't go back into the coffee store and throw my coffee at the bimbos that made it. I confirmed with them my order once it was made and yet they still fucked it up.

I had the day off again today. Apart from my brain not being able to cope with anything, I have a toothache from hell. I am doing my best to keep as calm as possible and to focus on what I am able to do not what I can't. I say I am doing my best. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to take a day off today and sleep in. 2) I am grateful I decided to be kind to myself today rater than try to pretend to be a person I am not. That is exhausting 3) I am grateful for my first cup of tea this morning. It tasted so much better than usual 4) I am grateful my sister dropped around today. Even though I don't dump things on her, the company was a life saver. 5) I am grateful I have been able to stay out of hospital so far. Normally, I would be there by now. I am out of control on the inside yet I am able to stay somewhat controlled on the outside. This is exhausting mentally and physically but I am coping. I should celebrate this but I am just too stuffed to do it. Blessings

I took an accrued day off today. YAY. I needed to see the dentist for a sedation consult and boy do they breed my medical team young. Firstly I have Dr Doogie Howser and now my specialist dentist is a 12yr old boy genius. Perhaps not quite 12 but I swear he still has to show id to get an alcoholic beverage. I had to see Doogie because I have been really worried about my slow mo with everyone in fast forward and feeling like I am walking in quicksand and so sleepy. I am having withdrawal symptoms from being taken off the drugs that were making me psychotic. YAY for me! I had internet issues and was fuming after 1 fuck stick had no idea but then I rang back and got a fabulously nice young man who sorted it out. Fabulousness restored. Kinda. Universe 1) I am grateful I had a day off today so I could sleep in a little 2) I am grateful I have found a wonderfully sweet, albeit very young, dentist. 3) I am grateful for the cuddles with my nephew today. I am even more grateful that I got

Boy am I in a ferral mood. I am over this game and i really want out. Needless to say, this entry is short, far from sweet and I have had to dig really deep. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up early today and arrived at work at the earlier time for my teaching night 2) I am grateful for the amazing breakfast of coffee and peanut butter toast from the cafe across the road. Who knew peanut butter toast could task so good. 3) I am grateful that I had my bosses support when I lost my mind at a fuck wit I had to deal with today. I am also grateful I didn't lose it too much 4) I am grateful for the walk and bargain books I purchased today. Rather exciting 5) I am grateful I got to teaching earlier and finished much earlier than usual. The mum could see I really wasn't in the mood to chit chat so I didn't spend the usual 30mins talking about crap 6) I am grateful I still have my wiz bang sleeping tablets and that I have a day off tomorrow so I can indulge. Blessings

I coped quite well getting up and out for the start of the week. Another coffee for my drive and 1 more when I got there kept me awake all day although head spins and toothache have been giving me the shits. My savings account has been hacked into and I am the agony aunt that everyone seems to gravitate to. Universe 1) I am grateful for my caffeine fix this morning 2) I am grateful that my headspins and toothache haven't interfered with my day too much. 3) I am grateful I didn't lose it when I found out about my bank account. 4) I am grateful my boss comes to me to assist him with work presentations. It shows that he respects my knowledge and experience 5) I am grateful that my work colleagues see me as somebody to go to when they are having personal problems. I didn't think I was thought of that highly on a personal level. Blessings

Being woken up with tooth ache really isn't an ideal alarm. Plenty of pain killers later, my sister comes around and we have our morning caffeine together. I vegged in front of the tv watching nothing in particular before getting ready and heading of for the family get together at my older sisters house. It was a lovely day with lots of food and lots of kids. Now I am comatose in front of the tv again before hitting my pillow quite early I should expect. Universe 1) I am grateful I had plenty of pain killers in the house and that they gave me enough relief so I could enjoy my day. 2) I am grateful for my morning visitor and caffeine partner. 3) I am grateful for the continued birthday wishes from the US and UK today. I still find it amazing that people I haven't met have taken the time to send their wishes. 4) I am grateful for the family time today. I am also grateful for the beautiful handbag and wallet I was given 5) I am grateful I am home and I can go to bed early.