Dare2Diva is Grateful

'I might not be that beautiful,or the sexiest..nor have the perfect body..i might not be anyones first choice..but im a great choice..i dont pretend to be someone else..cos im too good at being ME. I might not be proud of some of the things ive done..but im proud of who i am today. Take me as i am or dont take me at all'. A Facebook friend had this as her status update and it really 'spoke to me', in a non-psychotic way. Prior to my major meltdown (not actually sure when he major meltdown happened but probably started the steep downhill spiral somewhere around August 09), I used to believe the above statement to be true. I lived by it. I was proud of who I was, was comfortable in my skin, loved the person I was etc. It has only been over the last few days when I really have noticed that I don't believe this anymore. I don't know what happened between major meltdown city and now but I do have a theory. I think I stopped believing this a very long time ago, as in

I have had a very strange day today. I am feeling very unsettled and what I can only describe as an internal voice that is screaming so loudly and yet, I can't pay it any attention at the moment because I am afraid of the consequences. I have decided that all the while i can ignore it, I will but not because I am afraid, but because I don't want to deal with that now. I need to just be calm and deal with the here and now. Changing that focus around is a good place to be in for me right now. Universe 1) I am grateful for waking up in a nice warm bed. 2) I am grateful that I have had a marked improvement in pain today. 3) I am grateful that I am learning to aim for peace for now rather than worrying about things. This is a tough lesson, but it is what I feel is best for me. When I feel stronger, I will deal with any left over or underlying problems then. Perhaps when I am stronger they will no longer be there. 4) I am grateful that I had to drive my brother in law to work t

I had a great start to the day teaching singing and piano to a fab young lady. She has improved so much in such a short time which is very exciting. The rest of the day hasn't been so fabulous, but there are things to be grateful for. Universe 1) I am grateful for my day starting off with teaching. It was great and actually accompanying an almost adult while singing is wonderful. Kids songs are fun but I get more satisfaction playing the grown up stuff. (Ok, teaching isn't supposed to be about me but this time it was a little bit) 2) I am grateful for a hot cup of milo and black sour dough bread for breakfast this morning. So nice on a cold morning. 3) I am grateful the house warmed up due to the sun hitting my music room/office. 4) I am grateful that while I am still in pain and really exhausted, I am able to have a nana nap due to me being home. 5) I am grateful that I have nothing planned tomorrow so I will be able to have a nice sleep in or watch some dvd's in be

Teaching day. Yay! Yet another beautiful day to drive up the mountains. Well, that was until I got out of the car. It was blowing an icy gale, and I had left home on a very nice warm breeze-less sunshiny day. Just as well I wasn't outside for long. I managed to navigate the long steep driveway quite quickly today. Universe 1) I am grateful that although I didn't get to sleep very easily last night, I woke early and didn't feel the need to go back to bed. I quite like an early start to the day. 2) I am grateful that I had teaching to distract me today. I am waiting on some answers and it is the waiting that I don't handle well. 3) I am grateful that I once again got a very warm, although quite snotty, welcome today from the little ones. Teething and cold mountain air don't do much for noses, but when a little one asks for a cuddle before their afternoon nap and mum says 'after your nap' and the little one says 'peeeeeees' and puts her arms out, w

Well, it was supposed to be teaching day today but I was called in for a meeting so that has been postponed and teaching day will be tomorrow. I got to my meeting very early so I went and spent some time at a near by park. It was an amazing day today with the sun shining and a beautiful breeze but as I drove back home, the smoke from a bush fire got thicker and not very nice at all. Universe 1) I am grateful that I was awake early enough to get the message about my meeting today giving me plenty of time to get ready. 2) I am grateful I got to spend some time relaxing in the sunshine outdoors today away from the smoke. 3) I am grateful for the concerning email I received today to check if I was ok since the fires were out my way. That was a highlight of my day actually. Sometimes an email or message like that lets me know that there are some people, even ones you haven't met, that do care. 4) I am grateful that I didn't have a 'crisis moment' during my meeting toda

I have had a pretty quiet day today but that has meant a day where I have been able to practice a bit of meditation (very nice), and do a bit of pottering around the house in-between bouts of pain. Universe 1) I am grateful that I woke up early and decided to snuggle in bed and watch some episodes of Friends. I haven't seen it for a while so re-living it has been great and so much fun. I just couldn't get into it when it first aired on TV, but last year I was lucky enough to come across the series on sale so I splurged and I am so glad I did. great to start the day with a laugh. 2) I am grateful for the positive feedback I received today. I am hoping more start flowing. 3) I am grateful for the positive and caring comments being made by some of my facebook friends. It is so nice to read them and particularly good because there is no agenda. They don't have to be nice because they feel obliged. Not that I am saying my face to face friends have agendas though. It is just

Today is mothers day but it is difficult to feel happy. My mother passed 3.5 years ago and I am not a mother and never will be. I resigned myself to that fact when I was told that it wasn't possible, but if I really think about it, I really haven't come to terms with it yet. With mum gone, the day brings back memories of her but why are the first memories that pop up, the ones of her dying in hospital. It takes real effort to push past those memories to the great ones of family holidays or really bad meat loaf that we always laughed about. I was lucky to get a message from my sister so I had a great distraction for 5hrs. Universe 1) I am grateful that I had pretty good sleep last night. I didn't wake up until 6am, and I was able to get back to sleep for a while. That was brilliant. 2) I am grateful that I am able to watch DVD's in bed. I fell asleep watching Whoopi in Jumpin Jack Flash and it is a hoot. I watched it again in bed this morning. Can't get enough.