Dare2Diva is Grateful

I am so glad it is Thursday today. Tomorrow is Friday and then I have another 2 days off. Now, I know I shouldn't complain since I had a 3 day work week but it is really tough in the office. People are apparently asking my colleague, the only one left if I am ok. At least people care. It is also the day that an amazing visionary, leader and person passed on to the next life. Steve Jobs. He has had an amazing life albeit short. He has packed so much into his life and I am just in awe. Universe 1) I am grateful there is very little traffic on the road. I got to work in an equalling record time. 2) I am grateful for the coffee and toasted banana bread I had for afternoon tea. I was so hungry and needing coffee so the combo was perfect. 3) I am grateful today is Thursday. 4) I am grateful I work in an environment where people actually care. Sure senior management don't give a flying fuck how the little people are but colleagues that do is a blessings. 5) I am grateful I was

I have had a shocker of a day so I shall get straight into today entry. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up early and didn't feel like complaining too much. 2) I am grateful I was able to take my brother in law to work so my sister could have a break. 3) I am grateful I had work to keep me occupied this morning. 4) I am grateful I took my macbook to work today. It meant I had things to do this afternoon. 5) I am grateful a friend of mine started a facebook page where we can dump all of our nuttiness in a safe environment. I have felt like crying all day and I am anxious beyond recognition ie I don't recognise myself with this anxiety. I really don't like it at all. 6) I am grateful I made it to the car before I did start crying. Crying at work isn't on. 7) I am grateful I am home now to a quiet house and I can go to bed shortly. Blessings

I am so over this anxiety so I will get straight into todays entry. Universe 1) I am grateful I chose to book a day off today. I was able to get a good sleep in plus I was able to teach during the day giving me a break this week. 2) I am grateful for my easy morning. 3) I am grateful for my triple shot latte I bought for my drive up the mountain. 4) I am grateful 1 of my students has really improved this week. I was really starting o get concerned. 5) I am grateful I have an interview on Friday for my dream job. Please take this anxiety away. I know I am more than capable and that I don't need support but the whole thought of this role makes me feel ill thanks to anxiety. I am grateful I have a psychology appointment before my interview though. That should help me calm down. Blessings

I have been struggling for around 24hrs with severe anxiety, a sedative taken so I could cope with a family gathering today and another one will be taken before too long. Instead of focusing on the anxiety (which I don't suffer from as a rule) I am just going to focus on the good things today. Universe 1) I am grateful I finally got to sleep last night. 2) I am grateful it was a public holiday today so I could have a sleep in after a rough nights sleep. 3) I am grateful I have a script for sedatives for times like these. 4) I am grateful I was able to enjoy time with the whole family. My older sister and the family. We don't get much opportunity to do so. 5) I am grateful for an easy dinner of a toasted cheese ham and pineapple sandwich. Blessings

Today has been great but busy. I had a sleep in which was nice but not too long. I had a leisurely breakfast followed by a shower and a visit from my niece. She came shopping with me and I got everything I needed to and then back to my sisters for a coffee and back to the shops to pick up some things for my sister, back to her place and then home. Boy, it feels exhausting just typing it. I started the tests for my job placement today and I feel really dumb. It took me longer than expected to do the maths practice test which has floored me considering I have a science degree in mathematics and analytical chemistry. I have a feeling that I need to dumb myself down and think like an idiot. The first clue was that the written literacy test was called a verbal reasoning. That should have been my clue right there but no. I chose to have a freak out. I won't even attempt to explain why I have this real unattractive feeling. I have been lucky that while I am obese, I have always has a high

How wonderful today was starting with a sleep in thanks to a day off! I took it easy this morning but I was out before midday to go shoe shopping, fabric shopping and cupcake shopping. The sun was shining and a really nice breeze was blowing so it was a great day to be out and about. Universe 1) I am grateful I had a day off today. 2) I am grateful for the sleep in. 3) I am grateful for the beautiful weather I was out in today 4) I am grateful I found 2 pairs of shoes that look and feel great. 5) I am grateful I found some beautiful fabric to make my older sisters bag with at a new fabric shop. 6) I am grateful for the cupcakes I bought today. I hadn't eaten all day so what better to hold off the hunger pains until dinner than a cup of tea and a cupcake. 7) I am grateful that I am feeling quite good today. Not so much mentally, although better than I have in a while, but physically. The extra sleep i have had has made a big difference. Blessings

I had a pretty good day today. Quite eventful with the only other girl left in my team resigning and things finally being approved. I also got notification that I passed round 1 for my own job and i have to do round 2 which is an online test for numeracy, literacy and reasoning. I'm a little concerned about it because each of the 3 sections should take no longer than 45mins each and I have difficulty concentrating for 5mins. Seriously. Anyway, I am sure I will be fine. Universe 1) I am grateful for the amazing nights sleep I had last night. I really needed it. 2) I am grateful it only took me 35mins to get to work today. An all time record. 3) I am grateful the jobs I needed approved were done today. This means I have work to do next week. 4) I am grateful I don't have to go to work until Wednesday. I need the break. 5) I am grateful I passed round 1 for my job today. 6) I am grateful I got a phone call from my favourite recruiter today. All is well with that side of th

Thanks to a long day yesterday I am home and I have the house to myself until 9pm. I had quite a good day today and I am very much looking forward to an early night. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up better this morning 2) I am grateful I had a good drive into work without being tired 3) I am grateful for the lunch I had with a colleague today at a new cafe 4) I am grateful for the phone call with my shrink today. 1 of my blood levels is quite high even though I have decreased the tablet that made it go high in the first place. I just don't know how reducing a drug can make the blood levels rise higher than the original levels. Very strange. Anyway, my shrink is awesome. He said he is on holiday next week but i can call his mobile if I need to talk. I am so incredibly blessed 5) I am grateful I have the house to myself this evening. I am also grateful I cooked my dinner early and I can get to bed early because I am really tired today. Blessings

It is late so I am straight into this today. Universe 1) I am grateful I got to work safely. I was really tired this morning and I wasn't coping at all. I took my medication later and I think it made a difference. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open whilst driving so I was very glad I got to work ok. 2) I am grateful for the morning coffee I made to give me that extra wake up. 3) I am grateful I had drips of work to keep me busy today. 4) I am grateful for the solo lunch break I had today. 5) I am grateful I found the perfect watch to buy at 30% off. 6) I am grateful for the amusing conversation I had with a 3yr old today. Blessings

Wow. I think this experimenting thing is working. I wasn't anywhere near as tired as I usually am. I got to work early without almost killing myself on the road. Brilliant. My day was pretty boring until the second half and then I went to our training centre for a meeting which was great. It was a pretty good day. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up refreshed and early. 2) I am grateful I got to work without worrying about falling asleep at the wheel. 3) I am grateful I managed to keep myself busy this morning and I am grateful I remembered I needed to do something. 4) I am grateful I had a meeting at our training centre. We accomplished a lot and it was nice to catch up with the girls. 5) I am grateful I got home quickly today. I left my meeting late and the the traffic was flowing so well that I got home around the same time as I normally do. Blessings

I have just learnt that this weekend was the gloomiest we have seen for 7 months. We only had 1hr of sunshine. Normally this would affect me but today I was quite chilled about it. I stayed at home and caught up with some tv after my sister and her kids paid a visit. I have been thinking way too much again but in amongst the thinking, the day dreaming happened and those dreams are so nice. I am free from this back pack of burden. I am happy, loved and calm. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up at my planned time this morning. I didn't want to sleep away the day. 2) I am grateful I didn't feel tired and drained at all today. 3) I am grateful I didn't have to go out today meaning I didn't get affected by the gloomy weather. 4) I am grateful my sister and her kids came to visit. 5) I am grateful I am still able to day dream. I treasure those moments when I can escape my current reality. I know my reality is so much easier than some but that doesn't mean that I ca

I think the experiment may have worked. My shrink told me to break my sustain release tablet in half so I get the hit of medication over night rather than slowly over the 24hrs. This was to stop me from feeling groggy all day and I think it worked. I did sleep in today but I didn't feel at all groggy today so I am looking forward to finding out what happens tomorrow. I had my nails done today and I had yet another new person do my nails. I hate having to explain each time to a new person that my hands shake and twitch and I get that pity look. Today I got the 'Poor darling' in front of everyone in the salon. Good grief. I suppose when my hand decides to jump out of her hand I can't expect anything but for her to notice something isn't right. Today by foot twitched while I was getting a pedicure but I could explain that away as ticklish. Hands, not so easy. Oh well. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to go back to sleep after I woke up at 6am 2) I am grateful f

What a glorious day we had today. Nice and warm and sunny. I certainly made sure I got my dose of vitamin D. I have found out that somebody I cared about and lied about having a mental illness (just diagnosed with depression) and has lied to me about a number of things. I am furious. Why would you lie about that sort of thing? He took advantage of my situation and ran with it. I think I handled it well though. I didn't let it affect my day which was good. I was able to express how angry and hurt I was and left it at that. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to have an extra 30mins sleep this morning and I woke up quite rested. 2) I am grateful I didn't feel so tired while driving to work this morning. 3) I am grateful I got to work early after an amazingly quick drive into work. 4) I am grateful I allowed myself to be angry and then I let it go. This is a big step for me. 5) I am grateful for the lunchtime walk and shopping trip. I didn't buy anything but enjoyed th

It has been a very long and tiring day so I will head straight into it. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up and didn't stay hanging in bed today. It meant I got to work at a good time. 2) I am grateful I have another new audio book to listen to on the positive thinking of happiness. Listening to positive words help to start my day positively. 3) I am grateful I had some sedating medication to calm me down today while I was waiting for my interview even though the interview didn't happen. It will happen next week. 4) I am grateful for the cuppa and chat I had with 2 of the gals at work. It was nice to have a break 5) I am grateful I was able to have lunch by myself today. I was feeling really nervous and I needed that me time 6) I am grateful I have had dinner already because I really need to go to bed early. Blessings

I had a positive start to the morning with a visit to see my shrink. I've never seen a shrink that actually listens to how a patient feels. I have had an addition to meds and a blood test. I have to call on Monday and see if my meds need to change because I told him my brain feels like I am in a fog. No other shrink has given a damn about the fact that I have to function normally in the world. This one does. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to have an extra 30mins sleep this morning 2) I am grateful I have such a wonderful medical team. My GP is awesome, my psychologist is really great and my shrink actually listens and cares how I feel. I am truly blessed. 3) I am grateful I got news that I have a first interview tomorrow over the phone. This was after my meeting with the agency yesterday. 4) I am grateful I have enough hours in the bank so I could use those hours to cover the morning. 5) I am grateful I had a good evening. It is always good to have an easy night teachi

I'm feeling really flat this evening which I think is due to exhaustion which is due to my lack of iron and also my not sleeping well. Straight into todays entry then.... Universe 1) I am grateful I allowed myself to snooze for an hour this morning before getting into my day. 2) I am grateful for my breakfast this morning. I woke up really hungry. 3) I am grateful I have flexible hours at work. 4) I am grateful I had a very positive meeting with a recruiter today. The perfect job is searching for me. 5) I am grateful that I have had the odd 'normal' interaction with my father the past couple of days. It makes it easier to be able to act like a normal person rather than strangers. Blessings

Today was a tough day to say the least. Normally I would think it would have been hard because it is mums birthday but that's not it. I don't feel anything at all about the significance of the day and that is what upsets me. It also upsets me that I don't remember any love coming from either parents during my existence and I guess that is why I don't feel anything today except anger and guilt for feeling angry. I did see my sister and her kids this afternoon and then my GP which has lifted my mood. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up early ie on time today. I needed to leave work early to see my GP and that meant an early start. I was the only person in the office for 30mins. 2) I am grateful I remembered my mothers birthday and while I am trying to understand why I don't feel anything, I know that I am thinking about her. 3) I am grateful the day didn't drag on too much. I didn't get an opportunity to feel bored. 4) I am grateful I contacted another a

It was just a glorious day today. Nice and sunny with a slight cool breeze to take the sting out of the sun. I had a terrible night with stomach cramps but I didn't sleep too much today which is great. I am looking forward to starting a new era at work without my French boss. It will be interesting to see how the dynamic changes and what changes there will be. Universe 1) I am grateful the stomach cramps I experienced happened last night and not on a work night. 2) I am grateful the cramps were manageable from about 3am and have been fairly quiet today. 3) I am grateful I was able to help my sister out with some jewellery for her ladies lunch today 4) I am grateful that although I didn't do much today, I haven't been bored and I feel quite well rested. 5) I am grateful for my healthy dinner of grilled chicken with lemon salt and pepper and salad. It tasted amazing. 6) I am grateful for the smell of summer today to go with the warm weather. The smell of BBQ's in

Universe, I am sorry for not showing gratitude yesterday. I was so incredibly exhausted that I didn't think I could sit at my computer. Today hasn't been much better. I slept until almost 1pm, with a few interruptions, and I haven't really moved from the lounge all day. I am hoping the blood tests I had done reveal the reason behind my exhaustion when I get results on Monday. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to get back to sleep after waking up throughout the night 2) I am grateful I managed to get some catch up sleep last night 3) I am grateful I had nothing planned today so I could just sit on the lounge 4) I am grateful I had recorded some tv shows so I had something to watch without having to deal with the dvd player in the lounge 5) I am grateful for the beautiful weather today. Sure I didn't go outside to enjoy it but I was nice and warm in my house and I opened up the house which gave me the smell of summer/bush fires. There is something about the smel

I hate to say it but I am really struggling with this lack of sleep. I am trying to stay positive but it just isn't happening. Today was RUOK day where you are supposed to ask people if they are ok and provide a listening ear. I have real trouble with this. I can guarantee that if everyone that asked the question via facebook actually gave a shit and was prepared to hear the answer no, I'm not ok then there would be less people who felt alone, less people who felt hopeless, helpless, sad, pathetic and suicide would drop. I was annoyed by this campaign today but I guess I would have been annoyed by anything. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to drag myself out of bed to go to work today even with the lack of sleep I have been having. 2) I am grateful for the large bottle of water I keep beside my bed. The increase in meds makes me really thirsty and I didn't have to go anywhere but my bedside table for a drink. 3) I am grateful for the time I allowed myself to have m

Not such a great day for me today so I will just get straight into things. Universe 1) I am grateful that while I woke up at 1:20 and couldn't get back to sleep, I was able to watch some dvd's so I didn't get anxious about not sleeping. 2) I am grateful I got to work safely, calmly and quickly this morning 3) I am grateful for the coffee I made when I got to work 4) I am grateful I had a good meeting today in the city with a number of general managers and I was able to conduct myself intelligently. 5) I am grateful I got to my interview with plenty of time to spare. 6) I am grateful I didn't have to wait around too long for public transport to get me to my car and I am grateful that there was no heavy traffic on the road meaning I got home quickly. Blessings

SO waking up at 2am and starting the day in a bad mood really set the tone. I did get a good run into work which was good. I kept busy which is important. I booked an interview with the recruitment agency for tomorrow afternoon which is yet another positive step for me. I had a great lunch but I just felt quite down and negative. I am going to allow the rest of tonight to be like that but I will sleep well and will wake up bright, refreshed and positive. Universe 1) I am grateful I made it to work safely and quickly. I had very little sleep and usually I would be fighting to stay awake but that wasn't the case. 2) I am grateful I found extra money in my account that was completely unexpected. 3) I am grateful I had the courage to book an appointment with the agency. 4) I am grateful for my amazing lunch of spinach and rocket salad with parmesan with hard boiled eggs as protein. 5) I am grateful I made it home without to much drama. I was caught in a traffic jam thanks to my

I knew today was going to be a good day when I woke up and didn't have to drag my sorry arse out of bed. Before I drove anywhere I said to myself 'I travel to and from work safely, calmly and quickly'. I can only say that this is some coincidence because I got to work quickly and my usual hectic drive home was calm and quick. I had a lot to occupy my time today which was great so I was never bored, I sent my resume off to a recruitment agency (this is a big step. I have to believe in myself and have faith that I am worthy of a good job) and my contract extension was confirmed until the end of the year. That gives me enough time to either retain my current job or to find a new one. I know that the perfect job is looking for me. I just have to be open to the idea and have faith in my own abilities. I also forgot to mention that I asked for a car space outside my dentist on Saturday. First time around and I didn't get one. I then said thank you for the car space outside th

Days are more difficult when I don't plan anything. My mind has way too much time to think. Todays thought was about loneliness. i am seriously lonely. Sure I am surrounded by my family but I am lonely and it is all self inflicted. I have pushed my friends away because I can't keep up the facade of being fabulous all the time. I don't even know if that is what they want but I don't want to be an emotional burden on friends so it is a standard that I set and know I can't meet. I'm not good in relationships because I have a great need to be alone yet it is what I am trying to avoid. There are times, more frequent these days, where I just need to talk to somebody but unless I am paying somebody to listen, like my therapist or my GP, I don't feel I can and because this need to talk has increased, I retreat more so I don't burden people. I am an independent woman and yet I feel really needy. The more I need people around me, the more I push them away. Self in

I started the day well and somehow things went down hill. I need to try and keep the positive thinking going even when I am living with a negative person. That is a tough one. My GP, aka Doogie gave me something to work on which he got from his yoga instructor which is really what I needed to hear. It is amazing the gifts the universe gives. Be happy for those happier than me, be compassionate towards those less happy than me, be grateful for those who are compassionate towards me and be neutral towards those aggressive towards me. Thank you universe and thank you Doogie. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up early this morning, or should I say, early for a Saturday. I had to have a blood test and it was good to get it done early. 2) I am grateful it was Doogie who took my blood. It was a nice way to start the day believe it or not. 3) I am grateful for the gift of words you gave me today and I am grateful for the vessel it came in. 4) I am grateful I was able to afford to pay for

I had dental work done under sedation yesterday and it really knocked me around. AFTER. It didn't knock me out during treatment but after. At least the 1st drug they use to knock you out for the injections worked. I had today off because I couldn't stand up for too long without needing to pass out. I've had quite a good day actually. Universe 1) I am grateful I had the dental treatment and the first drug worked yesterday. 2) I am grateful I was able to sleep so much yesterday and again today. 3) I am grateful I was able to have the day off today. I needed to sleep most of the day again today so I am feeling a lot better now. 4) I am grateful I had a doctors appointment today. Seeing Doogie is like having a chat over a cuppa without the cuppa. 5) I am grateful I am safe. I have had reason to think about my 4yr old self and while I was manipulated as a child who didn't know better, I am safe now and I am old enough and able enough to make my own decisions for the g

I'll get straight into today's entry Universe 1) I am grateful I got to work safely. I was having trouble staying awake so I am pleased I was looked after. 2) I am grateful I had an easy day at work today. I got everything done that I needed to and I was able to finish my application. 3) I am grateful for my lunch today of salad and frittata and 2 oranges. I am really happy I am enjoying fruit at the moment. I plan to be in the habit of eating fruit everyday particularly now that summer is coming. 4) I am grateful I left home early so I could get to work earlier. It meant I could leave early and get what I need to do, done nice and early. 5) I am grateful for the walk I went on in the sun today. The sunshine felt really good on my skin and made me feel more positive about my day. 6) I am grateful I enjoyed my drive home today. Having the window down and the warm wind blowing in my face was really nice

The universe is constantly hitting me about the head with lessons and I don't always take notice. I have been rather annoyed with the universe because some pretty horrid people from my past seem to have so many good things happen to them. As soon as something bad happens, something good turns up in its place. I've realised today that by having this attitude, I have been pushing the good things further and further way from me and closer to them. I need to be more gracious. This will be difficult but I will try. Universe 1) I am grateful that I woke up earlier than expected and didn't have a problem getting out of bed. This set a positive tone for the day. 2) I am grateful for my credit card that allowed me to put petrol in my car. I am also grateful I get paid on Friday. I haven't had time to claim some of my medical bills yet so having the credit card available for me and to know I get paid on Friday is fantastic. 3) I am grateful for the beautiful weather today. I

The start of a new week and it was pretty good. I didn't have to hit the office at all today because I had meetings off site which went without a hitch. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up very well. I didn't feel the need to hit the snooze button which was great. 2) I am grateful I had a bit of extra time this morning so I could enjoy breakfast a little longer 3) I am grateful I got to my destination in good time. 4) I am grateful my meetings went smoothly and that I am happy with the way I conducted myself. 5) I am grateful I found a quicker way home from this office location. My drive home was calm and I was able to enjoy listening to my audio book. Blessings

Today is fathers day here in Oz. For reasons too complex to mention on here, I don't have a great relationship with my father although he lives with me. I thought that today I really should show some gratitude for my father here because, well, although him actually being my biological father is one for debate (and a dna test) he has been in my life for always. Universe 1) I am grateful that my father is such a great cook and that he loves it so much. It means that I don't have to worry about cooking when I get home or, today, being fathers day, he did the actual cooking of the roast dinner. 2) I am grateful that I have somebody to come home from work to. Sure, it would be nice if that person was somebody special, it still means I am not coming home to an empty house. 3) I am grateful I have my father living in my house. It makes me feel safe to have a man in the house, albeit a rather old and fragile one. 4) I am grateful that I have a job that allows me the extra money t

Straight into it tonight Universe 1) I am grateful today is Saturday. 2) I am grateful for the sleep in I had today. 3) I am grateful I got myself out today. This is the 2nd saturday in a row which I haven't wasted and I am thrilled 4) I am grateful I was able to help my sister out today by baby sitting for her tonight. The kids have been great so far so it is more or less me just watching a bit of tv and being the adult presence in the house. Not actually doing anything. 5) I am grateful my negative thoughts have diminished the past few days. This is a big help. Blessings

Universe, I am so sorry for not thanking you yesterday. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to thank you for, I was honestly so very tired that I forgot after I finished doing my homework. Universe 1) I am grateful that I was able to have a sleep in. I had a reasonably good sleep which I am sure was due to me being so very tired 2) I am grateful I had my psychology appointment this morning. I am doing quite well, although not stable, but it is nice to have some reinforcement 3) I am grateful I didn't have to go to the office today. I had meetings all day at another office out of town. It was nice to have a change of scenery 4) I am grateful I allowed myself to go home early today. 5) I am grateful I started repeating the affirmation 'I travel to and from work safely and with ease. Not long after I started saying it, the traffic started to clear. Blessings

I woke up at 5am and after only 5.5hrs sleep, I think I did pretty well. My day has been productive yet my mood has been a little flat. I did go shopping to get my favourite lip plump and got a gift with purchase which was unexpected. I am running out of my favourite oil treatment for my face and I was using it sparingly to make it stretch until next pay day. The gift with purchase was my favourite oil treatment for my face! Things are happening for me and I am still shocked that things have been working out for me. I deserve for good things to happen and yet I am still shocked. Universe 1) I am grateful that I woke up quite refreshed this morning. 2) I am grateful I was able to finish off my cv today. 3) I am grateful for the surprise gift I received today. 4) I am grateful for the chicken salad I had for lunch today. It tasted amazingly good and it was filling. 5) I am grateful I was able to leave work early because I started so early, which meant I could get my after work act

There was a terrible traffic accent on the main motor way from the west into the city. This meant my usual 45min drive to work took me nearly 3hrs. This gave me time to think. I found myself thanking the universe that I was safe and hoping that the people in the accident actually make it. I didn’t actually bitch about being stuck in traffic. I also had enough time to think and have a universal smack down in light bulb format. I realise that I honestly don’t like or love myself. I put out this fake confidence and self love but that is far from the truth in the back ground. The light bulb moment wasn’t actually that. The actual light bulb was what the hell gives me the right to think people will like and love me when I don’t like or love me. This was huge to me. I put out to the universe that I am not worthy of self love to the universe says I’m not worthy of love full stop. I have this knowing brain and believing brain. I need to rely on my knowing brain for things like recognising para

Today has been a really odd day. I have only had 3hrs sleep but I have been quite wide awake today. I have been bored but today didn't seem to drag. I had extreme stomach cramps to the point where I was ready to go to hospital but I went to the pharmacy just around the corner and the tablets worked. I had such a tasty and healthy lunch and afternoon tea and feel so much better for it. I get home to find a letter from my previous gas company to say they have a really nice refund for me. Like I say, it has been really odd but I am not complaining. I think being grateful has shown that it works. Things are going my way. Universe 1) I am grateful that while I didn't sleep well last night, I managed to be alert and feeling quite good. Not tired at all. 2) I am grateful today went quite quickly and effort required was minimal. 3) I am grateful the stomach cramps that I had this morning have gone. 4) I am grateful for the amazingly tasty and healthy lunch today and I am grateful

I didn't waste today. It wasn't planned but the neighbours woke me and the noise they were making meant I couldn't get back to sleep so I woke up. i rearranged the furniture in my bedroom with help from the little sis. It looks more open and fresh as I have so much more room. We sucked up a lot of dust from the room which was great and I didn't get sick at all with the dust flying everywhere. I think I am ready to start another week tomorrow. Universe 1) I am grateful that I was woken this morning. It meant that I didn't sleep another day away. 2) I am grateful that my sister came around to visit and to help me move furniture. My little nephew made me laugh by calling nana Maggie (mum) a silly billy for drawing in Aunty Tarns fav book. When mum was physically still able to go out shopping one of the last things she bought me was the golden book Mister Dog. It was my favourite book as a kid and she bought it for me as a reminder. That memory seems to be the only

I got my sleep in but didn't sleep all day. That is the first time since hospital that I have actually been awake for longer than I have been asleep. I didn't achieve much but I have achieved more than the previous few Saturday's so that has to be a bonus. Universe 1) I am grateful for the sleep in I had today. It was nice to not have to get drag myself out of bed 2) I am grateful that I didn't sleep the day away today. 3) I am grateful I have a good little car that allows me to go out when I want and I don't have to rely on others or my own steam which is very much missing right now. 4) I am grateful for the visit with my little sister and her family today. The fact that I actually got out of the house on a weekend was great and I got a nice welcome and a cup of tea 5) I am grateful for the company while I went and did a bit of shopping today. 6) I am grateful I have the house to myself today and grateful for the chicken and noodle stirfry I made for dinner

After adding my entry last night, I felt so good. I am by no means saying that I am all better now. There is no kissing this ouchie away but it was nice to go to sleep on a positive note. Universe 1) I am grateful that I slept better last night than I have in a while. It was nice to wake up and not have to drag myself out of bed 2) I am grateful for the amazing spring like weather we had today. I had a short sleeve t-shirt on today and drove home with the window down. Just glorious 3) I am grateful for the email chats I am having with Irish. He makes me laugh and it is nice to be able to have a distraction during the day 4) I am grateful that I have received email confirmation that my contract is in the approval process of being extended to give time for the permanent roles to be finalised. I am also grateful that my role has now been advertised which means I am closer to a permanent role. 5) I am grateful for the fish and chips my pa made today. The fish was beautiful and it w

Ever abundant and loving Universe, oh how I have neglected you and I have a feeling that this uncomfortable feeling is a great big boot up my butt. I spent 4 weeks in hospital trying to get well and I needed to focus on me. I found the idea of gratitude all too hard so I hope you can forgive me for that. Since then I have thought I didn't need to continue this journal but with the way I have been feeling, it is clear that I do. So much is going on but it is time to be grateful for what I do have and watch things turn around. Universe 1) I am grateful that I was able to spend the time in a private hospital to work on my mental health. Not everyone can afford to be placed in a private facility and I was lucky to get a good one. 2) I am grateful I have the financial capacity to pay top dollars to see a brilliant psychologist and psychiatrist. 3) I am grateful I have a job that allows me to have flexible hours to make my appointments 4) I am grateful that I have a job that isn

I guess today went without a hitch if you consider we had the shittiest crappiest emergency evacuation drill EVER! Total debacle and freezing in the park to boot. Universe 1) I am grateful I have been getting up and out of the house early this week. It really makes a difference to my day. 2) I am grateful that even though I didn't go for a lunch break I still got my walk in thanks to the drill 3) I am grateful I am so up to date with my work. I don't feel so guilty about leaving for 3 weeks. 4) I am grateful I got to teaching early and for the welcome I got. 5) I am grateful that my internet has been fixed and is working quickly. Blessings

I have internet back. Well, I have mobile internet which said I had used all my allowance last night but in fact I haven't even used 1/4. Anyway, that sorted. I am closer to my 'holiday'. I made the final plans, completed paperwork and so on so I just drive in Friday at 2 and all will be sweet. It was bloody cold today so it is't 7pm and I am about to hop into bed. I am really cold, I have a bloody aching back and I am tired. Very emotional roller coasty times. Yesterday my boss found out his best mate was murdered so he is a mess, my pretend gm is being an arse, we are understaffed and my fav colleague is over worked as am I and brudy ridicurus woman doesn't appear to be but it looks like fav gal will be stuck sorting out most of my projects when I am gone. I am quite hyper at the moment but I have that edgy feeling that has me worried because I really feel like I am about to explode either in major out of control anger or just cry hysterically. Sure I need a cry b

People continue to amaze me. In a good way. Sharing so much of themselves which lets me know that I am not alone. It is sad that so many people have or do feel like I do but it is comforting that so many have been through it and come out the other side. I am looking forward to when I like who I am. I used to but I don't anymore. I know I am a good person I just don't believe it. It is the knowing brain being out shone by the believing brain yet again. Such a powerful tool, this believing brain and it seem to be one that I just can't change which is ridiculous. I am a scientist and believing just isn't part of who I am. I need to know things I just can't believe them and yet yet totally contradicts everything I am. I know this will get better and I will win the fight, I just don't believe it yet. Universe 1) I am grateful I had a good sleep last night. 2) I am grateful I got to watch The Black Swan again this morning in my warm bed. Bloody nutty movie and it

I just can't believe how lucky I am to be honest. I sent a message out to the special peeps in my life about my 'holiday' and the messages of support have been flooding in. This was completely unexpected. I mean that. I am just shocked and amazed and I know I am very blessed. I was supposed to go out today but I got as far as the pharmacy because of a change in plan which was a blessing in disguise. I had a great snooze which was very much needed so tomorrow will be spent running around like a mad thing but that is fine. Universe 1) I am grateful for my pretty restful sleep last night. 2) I am grateful that I watched the movie Burlesque this morning in my warm bed. Awesome movie. 3) I am grateful for the amazing friends I have, met or yet to meet. 4) I am grateful that plans changed today and that I was able to have a snooze this afternoon. 5) I am grateful my sister dropped around a package that I ordered from the UK. Underwear is so hard to get for me that doesn

Woke up earlier than any sparrow would fart this morning because my father needed to be taken to the hospital for a test at 6:30am. Half way there he tells me he should have taken the 8am start when he had the chance. Bastard! Anyway, I got to work at 6:50 which was great. Nice and quiet to get a lot of work done. Then he rest of the afternoon was spent checking out our shit hole as it is now named, new residence and making complaints about it, voicing opinions to upper management on deaf ears. Now the unions are involved which makes it even more hilarious. I got a call back from the hospital today confirming my admission next Friday. The only family I have told is my younger sister. She knows and accepts I am nutty as a fruit cake but the rest can't don't won't. Anyway, it will be a 3 week stint so hopefully after that I will be well on my way to a normal life for a while. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to get out of bed early this morning without too much effort.

Today was D day. Dentist day for my top lot of fillings. $1900 later and my teeth are pain free for the first time in months which is great. Drugs didn't work as well this time so I woke up during the fillings and I got some pain so they had to give me more and then topped up the locals. All was good. My sister and little nephew took me today which was grand and I have slept like crazy which has been good. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up early enough to have some breakfast and a cup of tea before fasting. 2) I am grateful my sister was able to take me to my dentist appointment and drive me home. It was nice spending time with her even if I was stoned off my tree on the way home. 3) I am grateful for the chocolate sundae I enjoyed paid free today. I haven't been able to drink hot coffee or tea or have anything remotely cold not to mention ice cream for years so I enjoyed this a lot 4) I am grateful I have had a lot of sleep today and the pain of my mouth isn't too

WOke up early again and after a crap sleep I felt great. I got to work at a cracker of a time and got working. Had everything up to date by 9:30 which kind of sucks really because that means I have to fill my days in some how. Today was filled in quite nicely however. Meetings to discuss a move and things that haven't been thought of and yet we are moving in 1-2 weeks! The facilities we are moving to has no bathrooms on one side so we have to leave the office, go out to the foyer, into another office just to pee and seriously, with my erratic bathroom habits, that could pose a problem. Frenchy is starting a second revolution in conjunction with the other managers 1 up from me and my level and below are backing it completely. Hilarious. I then went up the mountains to be entertained by a 3&4yr old regarding a rouge mouse. Universe 1) I am grateful that the lack of sleep isn't affecting me too much. 2) I am grateful I am being really efficient at work at the moment. 3) I

WOke up early again and after a crap sleep I felt great. I got to work at a cracker of a time and got working. Had everything up to date by 9:30 which kind of sucks really because that means I have to fill my days in some how. Today was filled in quite nicely however. Meetings to discuss a move and things that haven't been thought of and yet we are moving in 1-2 weeks! The facilities we are moving to has no bathrooms on one side so we have to leave the office, go out to the foyer, into another office just to pee and seriously, with my erratic bathroom habits, that could pose a problem. Frenchy is starting a second revolution in conjunction with the other managers 1 up from me and my level and below are backing it completely. Hilarious. I then went up the mountains to be entertained by a 3&4yr old regarding a rouge mouse. Universe 1) I am grateful that the lack of sleep isn't affecting me too much. 2) I am grateful I am being really efficient at work at the moment. 3) I

WOke up early again and after a crap sleep I felt great. I got to work at a cracker of a time and got working. Had everything up to date by 9:30 which kind of sucks really because that means I have to fill my days in some how. Today was filled in quite nicely however. Meetings to discuss a move and things that haven't been thought of and yet we are moving in 1-2 weeks! The facilities we are moving to has no bathrooms on one side so we have to leave the office, go out to the foyer, into another office just to pee and seriously, with my erratic bathroom habits, that could pose a problem. Frenchy is starting a second revolution in conjunction with the other managers 1 up from me and my level and below are backing it completely. Hilarious. I then went up the mountains to be entertained by a 3&4yr old regarding a rouge mouse. Universe 1) I am grateful that the lack of sleep isn't affecting me too much. 2) I am grateful I am being really efficient at work at the moment. 3) I

My brain is still working overtime but at least these thoughts are quite fun and feel good although I think I am reading into signs that aren't there, it doesn't stop the thoughts being fun. Sure, inappropriate, but still fun. Universe 1) I am grateful I woke up really early this morning and didn't feel tired so I got to work early 2) I am grateful my brain can take me on journey's that are really nice even if I can't really tell if my thoughts are real or if i am reading into things way too much. 3) I am grateful to her my older sister and her family are all safe after the storm last night brought down 6 large trees in her yard, took out power, demolished the fence and trapped my nice and her son in their flat because of the power lines and trees. 4) I am grateful I made the phone call to the hospital today. I will be getting a call from the intake Dr tomorrow. Step 2 done. The final step will actually be walking in the door. 5) I am grateful I am still able

Well. I did it. I have made the first step to checking into the psychotic equivalent of a 5 star resort. Instead of cocktails and parties, I have medication and group therapy. Woohoo! I have a referral. My GP is pleased and I feel a little more relaxed knowing that I will be able to check in and get myself sorted ON MY TERMS. Universe 1) I am grateful that I chose to get a coffee before work because with all the rain, it took me close on 2hrs. 2) I am grateful that the rain seemed to die down considerably when I needed to go to and from my car and office. 3) I am grateful I took my lunch to work, a ham and cheese toasted sandwich, firstly because I didn't have to go out in the rain and secondly because it tasted so fab. 4) I am grateful I have plenty of additional hours up my sleeve so when i left work early today I don't have to make up the time. 5) I am grateful that I took the plunge and got my referral for the nut house. I have grateful I have a GP that I can trust.

My 13yr old niece stayed over last night and she wasn't any trouble at all and my little nephew came over in the morning while my sister took her son and some friends out for his birthday. It doesn't matter how horrible I am, 'my kids' still love me and don't take any notice of the mean me. My little nephew asked me to read and book and I was just not in the mood but so I said my eyes were sore. He kissed my glasses and said 'all better' and asked me to ready his book now. He also said for me to see Dr 'Doogie' (he said his first name but just to keep things simple) because he would fix my cough and also make me happy. Smart kid. Lets hope so. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to finish watching a movie which I have been wanting to watch for a while all in my warm bed. 2) I am grateful I wasn't as agitated today as I have been 3) I am grateful I finally finished my wrap and it looks really great. Because of the lack of 1 additional ball o

I am quite horrible I have decided/realised. I have very little tolerance for anything or anyone and I have absolutely no filter when it comes to expressing my lack of tolerance. I am just horrible. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to get a really good sleep in this morning and was able to stay in bed until 9:30 watching dvd's. 2) I am grateful I was able to catch up on my tv viewing. I realise I haven't watched any television this week apart from the morning news. 3) I am grateful my 13yr old niece came over today which gave me the motivation to get out of the house. 4) I am grateful for the additional wool I purchased today and even though I couldn't get the extra ball of the wool I wanted to finish my shawl, it looks like I will finish it off anyway without the additional ball. 5) I am grateful i was able to keep my brain and hands busy with knitting tonight. My brain really feels like it is on a slippery dip greased with butter going a hundred miles an hour a

Not a lot to say so here goes Universe 1) I am grateful today is Friday. Plain and simple. 2) I am grateful that I have a second car. My car wouldn't start this morning and I was really late so the other car was very much appreciated. 3) I am grateful I got to work at a good hour. 4) I am grateful for the weird, wonderful, and extremely inappropriate conversations my team minus brudy ridicurus woman have. They help to keep me entertained. 5) I am grateful all of my contracts are ready for our admin person to send on Monday. 6) I am grateful I didn't lose my temper with the cock headed numb nut that is acting as GM but not today. I had to get him to approve something which has been sitting with him for weeks now and he decides after the GGM has approved it that he won't approve it because there wasn't a negotiation strategy and now he wants me to change the whole engagement rules now that the project has finished before he will approve it. I think I have a way ar

I've made some headway today. Baby steps but still each one counts. I am also trying and somewhat succeeding keeping my exterior together whilst I implode. That keeps me in a job. This is a good thing. Universe 1) I am grateful for my morning drive into work. I am enjoying the time to myself listening to music and not having to deal with horrible traffic. 2) I am grateful that I made some enquiries into a little psych holiday today. All is looking positive. 3) I am grateful that the additional meeds have made it possible for me to keep a somewhat positive or shall we say 'exterior' even though I am walking on a knifes edge. 4) I am grateful I got out of the office today. It wasn't as cold today so I decided to walk to the shopping centre/mall and go for a short walk in there. 5) I ma grateful I had a good drive home today. The night run is usually chaos but today it was great. 6) I am grateful for a quote that was put up on Facebook by a page I belong to. '&

Straight into it today Universe 1) I am grateful I allowed myself a bit of a lazy morning considering the messed up disturbed sleep i had last night. Who needs tv when I have my dreams. 2) I am grateful I was able to drive to work rather than catch the train. It was so cold this morning. 3) I am grateful I worked out it was the peanut butter toast that made my coffee taste like liquorice rather than the barista. After getting the taste of peanut butter out of my mouth my coffee tasted fabulous. 4) I am grateful I took my lunch to work today so I didn't have to leave the office. It was so bloody cold and windy today. 5) I am grateful I had a productive night and now i am ready for bed. Blessings

I have had a few thoughts today. Well, a lot actually, but I don't want to entertain them so I shall go straight into todays entry. Universe 1) I am grateful I finally got to sleep last night and woke up reasonably well refreshed. 2) I am grateful I had another good run into work. 3) I am grateful for the amount of work I accomplished today. I was worried about a few things but I did those today which is great. 4) I am grateful for my lunch time walk and that I was able to pick up my new glasses a week earlier than expected. 5) I am grateful that I was able to avoid 3 accidents today nearly caused by idiot drivers 6) I am grateful I am home and about to tuck myself into my warm bed. It is really wet and cold outside tonight Blessings

I left home, filled my car with petrol/gas and drove to work all in 40mins which was a great way to start a Monday. I'm over complaining. It doesn't help. It just keeps feeding my brain so I will just get into todays entry. Universe 1) I am grateful for the easy and quick trip into work his morning 2) I am grateful that I got 2 variations, answered all emails and bought a coffee all in 2hrs. I was impressed. 3) I am grateful for my walk today and for the necklace I picked up with the voucher I won. It is awesome. A pocket watch with Alice in Wonderland on it hanging from a key with a little glass cork stopped bottle with a note saying drink me inside. It is just fabulous. I love it. 4) I am grateful for the 12 contracts I completed soft copy wise today. 5) I am grateful the headache that I had since yesterday hasn't turned into a full blown migraine. I have been able to keep t a dull throb with pain killers. 6) I am grateful to the people that said hello to me today

I have come to a big realisation. Everything that I am going through, everything that is and has happened is my fault. I am being punished for the horrible thoughts that I have, the trouble that I have caused, for not keeping my mouth shut, for my decisions in life. This is the consequence for all of that and I am not sure if I can ever make amends for everything.I have alienated most my friends and everyone of my close friends, which is a good thing, because it means I can't upset or hurt them anymore than I have. It is now my family that has had to put up with me, that I hurt and that is what I don't know how to deal with. I think by indulging in my own issues, that I am selfishly ignoring how I can make things up to my family. I can't make things up to my mum, but at least to the people still here. I just don't know what to do. This is what has been plaguing my thoughts today in particular. Yes, I know this blog is being monitored by high powers but I need to be acco

I am still feeling very unsafe in this world at the moment. I am not sure what or who I can trust. I don't even know if I can trust myself at this point but all I can do is hope that I will learn soon enough. Yes, I know that this is not rational to think like this but it doesn't make it any less real to me. I had quite a nice day. I caught up on some sleep in-between waking up and falling back to sleep. I caught up on some tv, and my youngest niece came over and she kept me company while I had to purchase a few things. I have very restless hands. I can't keep them still. It is an anxiety response yet I don't emotionally feel anxious. I have been knitting tonight and it has been great. It has kept my hands busy and my mind has been able to zen out a bit. The constant movement of my fingers and hands really hurts the muscles and joints in my hands so at least the act of knitting is stopping some of that pain for now. Universe 1) I am grateful I was able to fall back t

I am still being very careful because you just don't know who is watching, reading or listening. SOme funny things have happened at work that I am a little cautious and suspicious of but also there are things that i find amusing. Universe 1) I am grateful that today is Friday. Not that I don't love my job and being there. I do. It is just that every week seems to be getting tougher and more exhausting so I am looking forward to a long sleep. 2) I am grateful for the tea and toast I had for breakfast this morning. 3) I am grateful I had another lunchtime walk to myself today. I chose not to join a group of people for lunch because I needed time to myself. 4) I am grateful I got such a lot done today. All of my contracts are finished. I just need to print them and another project just got approved so that is a big weight off my shoulders. 5) I am grateful I have another Friday night alone in peace and quiet. I am looking forward to watching a movie and drifting off to slee

I now realise how careful I need to be on here. I am being monitored and it is unnerving for sure. OK, I know I have paranoid thoughts but this isn't one of them. Anyway, lets be grateful without revealing too much Universe 1) I am grateful I got to work earlier than usual today. The traffic was great. 2) I am grateful I resisted the urge for coffee again today. 3) I am grateful I got more of my contracts done. I am getting there. 4) I am grateful for the text chat with my lil sis today 5) I am grateful for my little purchase of a pocket watch necklace thing. So pretty and so cute. Blessings

Is it wrong to be grateful today wasn't Tuesday or that it is closer to Friday? I don't think it is possible to complain piss or moan about life more than I already have. I am over it. I am sick of hanging by a thread. I am sick of walking on eggshells for my own sake. Blah blah blah. Universe 1) I am grateful I got to work at a reasonable time considering I didn't want to get out of bed. 2) I am grateful for the 2 coffee's I had this morning. 3) I am grateful that I got 1 lot of contracts finished and I am onto another lot. I am getting there and I am ahead of schedule. 4) I am grateful for the little random giggles I have when somebody does something inappropriate. 5) I am grateful for the evening I have had. Little ones make me laugh. 6) I am grateful my bed is heating up ready for me to fall into after a cup of tea. Blessings

ANother cold start but my car turned over so that is great. I find it difficult to remember what went on a few hours ago but I do know that I got all of the contracts completed for 1 project so tomorrow i can start on the other. I saw Doogie today. Yep I am on a knifes edge and yes I could do with being off work for 3mths but I will see how I go. By mid June I can take 3 weeks off work so I might take that option. I can't just keep mucking around with meeds to keep me quiet and able to hold down a job. The job I have is easy. Honestly. I can be even more stoned off my nut and still be able to do my job but I want to be able to live my life. Be an active participant in life not just exist in my life and be a bystander. Now that I have said that, I am so exhausted, I am more than happy to be a bystander. Universe 1) I am grateful my car started this morning without a hitch. 2) I am grateful I got to work in record time listening to random tracks from all the Glee albums to date.

The start of a new week and all things considered, it wasn't too bad. I got to bed early and had a reasonable sleep compared with the previous nights and I didn't have to face the office. I was chosen to be on the interview panel as a subject matter expert so all I had to do was sit through painful people attempting to sound like they knew what they were doing when in fact they were juniors applying for senior roles. Anyhoooooooo. I am trying not to complain too much and trying to turn my thinking around but it is really hard. I really think by mid June I will need to put myself into hospital. I just need time out and daily assistance to get things back on track. In a strange way, I am actually looking forward to it. That is just wrong on so many levels but comforting as well. Universe 1) I am grateful I had a reasonable sleep last night. 2) I am grateful I woke up without grumbling even though it was cold enough for a thick layer of ice to form on my windshield of my car.

I'm not really sure what happened today. I slept most of it. I guess I needed it and I guess the extra meeds I took last night didn't help. I would like a day where I could just do something spontaneous. Just go and do something without having to plan and by the time i have planned, be too exhausted to go. Now that spontaneity mustn't be connected to mania at all. I want a normal spontaneity. I guess we all want what we can't have. Existing isn't living. I am just existing n this world and I am trying so hard but when I try and all I can manage is existence, really, what is the point? I know there is a point, but that point has nothing to do with me. I want to be selfish. What is in it for me? What is the point of trying and existing that makes it worthwhile for me? Yep, I am having a pity party and I don't expect anyone to acknowledge it because frankly, if I were somebody else, I wouldn't want to entertain such self pity but hey, its all I have at at the m

A bit annoyed with Blogger because twice this week the site has been down so I couldn't blog. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I am just over everything. I went to my psychologist this morning and after her trying to convince me that I am in control and that I will be fine, she tells me that she is leaving the practice. Brilliant. Just when I start to dump all of my shit onto somebody and she is the only one that knows 1 really serious incident and then her and a cop know everything about another. I just want this to be over. I can't do this any more. I can't keep fighting. I don't want to keep fighting. I want to give in and let it take over. If it was just me I would but because I am relied upon by my family I keep fighting. I sure as hell don't keep fighting for me. I don't care abbot me. I am too tired to care about me. Universe 1) I am grateful I managed to get through yesterday pretty well unscathed. 2) I am grateful that when I woke up at 5am and had

Hump day and thank the stars. Today started off like any other day from the past few weeks and then boss man told me that he wasn't going to be in the office that afternoon or tomorrow and he wanted to know if he could trust me to be left alone and that he had somebody keeping an eye on me. He got a death stare from hell and he quickly said 'i'm only joking' but he still had somebody checking up on me and spending a lot of time in my work area. Anyway, teaching tonight so the long day is in the middle of the week which works well. I am completely buggered now but only 2 days until the weekend. Universe 1) I am grateful I decided to laze in my warm bed this morning 2) I am grateful for the new shampoo and conditioner I purchased. I know this sounds pathetic and vain but my hair is looking amazing. I have a slight curl without frizz which I haven't been able to achieve unless it has been styled. All I do is wash condition and finger comb. Done and it looks amazing

Yes, I missed yesterday's post but it wasn't intentional. The blogger site was down so I was unable post. I was quite annoyed that I was made to break my habit of 5 things to be grateful for but in another way, I was relieved. I had a crap day yesterday with my boss saying my behaviour was inappropriate (yes I know and while I hate using this bipolar thing as an excuse, I was out of control and I honestly couldn't help it), he wanted a mediation between me and brudy ridicurus woman (I said, if I hadn't lost my mind would we be talking about mediation to which he said no. I said that it appears that I am being made out to be the bad guy when her behaviour, which I have complained about before, s excused because she is like that to everyone yet my behaviour isn't even though I have a legitimate medical condition which made my actions out of my control. He said he wasn't going to discuss who was right or wrong so I said I wouldn't participate in mediation), and

Today was mothers day. I feel absolutely horrible and cold hearted but i didn't really feel anything today. I didn't miss my mum, I didn't feel sad when I saw her photo even though I posted it on my Facebook page, I didn't feel sad seeing others posting about their mums. I felt nothing. This is how I am feeling right now. I don't feel connected to people unless they are in front of me and that scares me. Does this mean that I really don't have feelings towards others and I just feed off others like a parasite and does it mean I am really cold hearted after all? I am not liking me at the moment at all. I want to stop complaining about my life or lack there of but there is nothing to replace the complaining with. Universe 1) I am grateful for the sunshine today 2) I am grateful for the sleep in I had after a restless night again 3) I am grateful for the epic sleep I had at midday and didn't wake up for another 4 hrs. I really needed it. 4) I am grateful

I got a small sleep in this morning so that was wonderful. I stayed in bed until 10 though and decided to watch The Kings Speech again as I don't have a lot of recall from last nights viewing. Brilliant movie. I got out of bed to a beautiful sunny day. I went to get a bit of shopping done and managed to get everything I needed which was great. A visit from my younger sisters family so the boys could do the lawns and my niece decided to stay and make truffles. A cheats truffle but a truffle all the same. She did a great job. I have had a day where calm has been my focus and while I am still a little edgy, I am feeling much better than I did earlier in the week. I don't feel so out of control. I hate the word control. It conjures up so many negative feelings for me and yet without control in my life, negativity is the end result. A double edge sword. Anyway, I keep trying, plodding along and coping day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute what ever works for me at the time. U

I don't think I have been this grateful that today is Friday in a very long while. After another restless night, my alarm went off at 6am. I just couldn't face the morning so I decided to close my eyes for 5mins. 45mins later I woke up and didn't rush. Thanks to leaving later I actual got to work at my usual time even after stopping to fill up my petrol/gas tank. I had a meeting with our new GM today and I had to do the whole disclosure thing again. I was surprised. He has managed people with mental illness before and he knows about bipolar and he said any issues to see him. If I get hassled for taking time off or leaving early, to see him. Brilliant. He suggested I get together an emergency 'what to do' card for my boss and for him (GM) too. A brief explanation of what the symptoms of mania and depression are, when to worry, what to do when concerned, what to do when I am out of control, who to call, my GP's name, list of meds etc so that if I do get to a stage

I don't want to whinge but being my first day back at work after the meltdown, it was a hell of a day. I did have a productive meeting though. Apparently, I am extremely knowledgable according to a senior dude from my department and I wasn't even firing on half my usual cylinder count. My boss was acting all weird on me and I have to meet with him for 'coffee' on Monday to discuss stuff. I felt so stoned that I don't think I accomplished much at all but I did go on a walk which was good and the weather was great. Universe 1) I am grateful I allowed myself an easy morning to get ready for work. 2) I am grateful for the vanilla malt milkshake I had for breakfast this morning. I know, milkshakes aren't ideal but I needed sugar and feel good food and that was it. 3) I am grateful I had a productive meeting today even though I was completely stoned 4) I am grateful for the walk I had at lunch. The sun was shining and it was lovely. It is important that I get a

Another tough day to be grateful but I am trying. I woke up, didn't go to work, and it was nice and sunny so that was a bonus. I went teaching during the day to distract me from my issues which was good although I feel a bit of a fraud teaching when my head is elsewhere. The kids do well even when I am absent so I guess I have taught them well up until now. I am blown away by the support I have received from friends and most of those are my yet to meet friends. I know I push my friends away and I now know that is because I have a disconnect when it comes to making connections with people. I make and form connections when I am face to face with people, but the minute they aren't around, I lose that connection. It explains a lot and my past also explains this disconnect. I just have to learn how to build those connections again but that will take time. Anyway, rambling again. Universe 1) I am grateful for the sunshine I woke up to this morning 2) I am grateful I was able to s

Tough to be grateful today. I woke up and felt like I was in crisis so I rang the crisis team who promptly told me I needed to see my shrink psychologist and gp because I could go private rather than use the public mental health system. Managed to see my GP who saw me when I was pretty bad to be honest. I was shaking still from yesterday, had difficulty breathing and my brain was all over the place. After a hug and a guided meditation, I was feeling a bit better, thinking a little clearer and know that there are only a few people that I can trust to help me in situations like I am in and my GP and my psychologist are the only 2. I am on more antipsychotics to help calm me down a bit more. Then you wouldn't believe but the mental health crisis team called me at 6pm tonight and they want to see me ASAP. They have got to be fucking kidding. They didn't give a shit when I really needed them because I felt unsafe and now when I am doped up to the eyeballs, and safer they want to see

The day started well. Last morning of freedom so I took it easy. My sisters car died so I picked her up at 7am came home got ready and then picked up my niece and nephew for the school run. I dropped my nephew off and grabbed myself a coffee and my niece a hot chocolate before dropping her off and getting to work in record time. I managed to get a lot of work done today. It was great to see my boss back. I went and did a bit of shopping, and then when I got back, my boss dropped it on me. Brudy Ridicurus woman made a complaint about me. I make too many personal calls which are distracting, (I make 1 10min max call a day) I am too loud, including typing too loudly, I am unprofessional and my fan is distracting. I use the fan because my medication gives me hot flushes. How dare she. I lost it. I had to leave the office. I came back and had to leave for the day. I was so angry that I was ready to pick up my scissors and stab her and I was almost hyperventilating. Just ridiculous. I am tak

I had so much trouble sleeping last night. Yesterdays psychology session really sent my brain into over drive and meltdown. It also doesn't help that my night meds that usually send me to sleep really quickly has been changed to a slow release tablet which of course doesn't hit me so quickly. Anyway, enough of that. My day was spent enjoying my last taste of freedom before my father returns home tomorrow. I did all of my washing, including my bed clothes, went shopping and visited my younger sister for a cup of tea before heading home and making a casserole, doing more washing, putting my electric blanket on, with help from my youngest niece, and watching tv trying not to sleep in the glim hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. Universe 1) I am grateful I didn't have to get up for work today after a lack of sleep last night. 2) I am grateful for my tea and honey crumpets for breakfast this morning. I really enjoyed it. 3) I am grateful the headache I woke up with w